Procrastinating

Unfortunately, I am doing what I promised myself I would never do after college.

I am up at 5 am in the morning. Not because I woke up early to see the sunrise. 

I procrastinated.

Sometimes I don't understand myself. I know the time being awake during the wee hours of the night is going to be painful. I know that I will wish, every time, with every inch of my soul that I had started earlier and went to bed at a godly time. 

It never ceases to amaze me how I don't ever learn. 

Maybe in my head, I have subconsciously reasoned why it's better for me to procrastinate than to start on time, or ahead of it. 

Well, because, I don't realize that I'm procrastinating. To me, I am starting on time.

Procrastinating is the socially unacceptable behavior of what I just call thinking. or researching. or trying to make sense of what you're supposed to be doing. 

And, in the midst of my thoughts, I think of so many interesting things about everything else, that I tend to get... no, not distracted, just inspired! by unrelated ideas.

And it's not so bad, come to think of it, being wide awake while the rest of your block is sleeping, thinking of all the possible concoctions and connections and conspiracies that make this world go round.

Of course, procrastination would be bad if I didn't end up finishing the task at hand, but I always do. 

Eventually. 

It just requires a little more pain, with very little gain. And I always think to myself, I could have done much better if I started earlier.

But even my dissatisfaction with the quality of my work is only an excuse. I tell myself that I could have done better because I believe I have the inner talent to be able to. But due to external factors I could not control (i.e. having to think, research, get inspired), I was prevented from showing my true colors.

On the other hand, if, for instance, I take all the time I want, and I still come out with a crappy product, what will I tell myself then? 

You see, humans can make excuses for everything because the world works in the eyes of the beholder. 

And as long as I keep telling myself that I'm not procrastinating, that I'm simply digging deeper into what I am supposed to do, that I'm starting on time, I will inevitably continue procrastinating for the rest of my life. 

I'm still waiting for someone to convince me otherwise.