Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Introverting myself?
In these last several days, I have been forced to face inward toward myself for the energy I usually get from interacting externally with the people around me. Multiple times have I picked up my phone to dial someone to talk to or plan dinner with, only to realize that everyone is so busy with their own lives that they only reluctantly give me the time of day.
Contrary to what I would have liked, not having someone or something to constantly distract my attention has forced me to confront the dreadful questions that have been lingering in the back of my mind. Today, in the midst of my massive migraine and drained body, I finally said a prayer to the God that I have neglected for so long. Until now, I had constantly been able to rely on those precious few people who have, for better or worse, kept me from sinking in loneliness and pondering about my fears. But now I'm submerged deeply in this thing called uncertainty, and nobody is there to sweep me away from the discomforts of truth.
It's been so long since I have genuinely prayed to God that I have almost forgotten how to do it. The unfamiliar feeling of reaching out to God is combined with the overly repeated and seemingly meaningless phrases of Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, and forgive me of my sins.
I remember in high school when I had felt the same sense of loneliness and confrontation with reality, and that in my humble tears and pain, I had reached out to Christ with all sincerity and brokenness. That moment had been so pure, so untainted, and so real for me. Why it's so hard to relive that moment as the time passes by, I don't know. Perhaps it is because I have come to rely too much on the people around me for my sense of purpose and supporting energy. I haven't spent enough time thinking to myself and relying on the promise that God had given me from the beginning. It's so hard to trust something that has become so unfamiliar to me.
Is there hope? They say there is. They say that God is always knocking on the door of your heart and you only have to open it to let Him in. But even that notion is foreign to me. What does it mean to open the door to my heart? I like dealing with the abstract, but this is too literary for me. I am almost at a point of desperate need. I need Him and I don't know how to reach Him.
Contrary to what I would have liked, not having someone or something to constantly distract my attention has forced me to confront the dreadful questions that have been lingering in the back of my mind. Today, in the midst of my massive migraine and drained body, I finally said a prayer to the God that I have neglected for so long. Until now, I had constantly been able to rely on those precious few people who have, for better or worse, kept me from sinking in loneliness and pondering about my fears. But now I'm submerged deeply in this thing called uncertainty, and nobody is there to sweep me away from the discomforts of truth.
It's been so long since I have genuinely prayed to God that I have almost forgotten how to do it. The unfamiliar feeling of reaching out to God is combined with the overly repeated and seemingly meaningless phrases of Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, and forgive me of my sins.
I remember in high school when I had felt the same sense of loneliness and confrontation with reality, and that in my humble tears and pain, I had reached out to Christ with all sincerity and brokenness. That moment had been so pure, so untainted, and so real for me. Why it's so hard to relive that moment as the time passes by, I don't know. Perhaps it is because I have come to rely too much on the people around me for my sense of purpose and supporting energy. I haven't spent enough time thinking to myself and relying on the promise that God had given me from the beginning. It's so hard to trust something that has become so unfamiliar to me.
Is there hope? They say there is. They say that God is always knocking on the door of your heart and you only have to open it to let Him in. But even that notion is foreign to me. What does it mean to open the door to my heart? I like dealing with the abstract, but this is too literary for me. I am almost at a point of desperate need. I need Him and I don't know how to reach Him.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Missing
It's been a while since I have felt the cold tingle of an empty space, a dull yet overwhelming sense of reaching out to grab hold of something--his warm hand, his soft shirt, the remains of a reassuring smile--and grasping nothing but thin air. I blame myself partly for allowing myself to feel this way, but at the same time, when I remember back to the the days when that space inside my heart was filled with the arousing warmth of this pulse and his constantly beating heart, I cannot help but smile. It's not over. Just a pause. A painfully slow one.
Last night, I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my tired eyes. I just wanted to hear his voice and feel safe within his sound. It took a while but he got back to me and calmed my nervous heart again, after which I could finally put myself to sleep. I woke up with my eyes swollen but my mind rested, and the first person I thought about was him.
I don't like feeling so vulnerable. At the same time I cannot picture any other scenario. If only for him. As he said yesterday, there's no wall between us. Whenever I find myself retracting and building up a that invisible wall, I stop and remember the countless hours we spent together when he brought that childish joy to my jaded heart.
This is only the beginning. It's only going to get harder, I know. But despite the weary scars on my prudent disposition, I only see myself moving forward in this fight. To him who shows me the sun after the rain and keeps me wanting more...
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