Missing

It's been a while since I have felt the cold tingle of an empty space, a dull yet overwhelming sense of reaching out to grab hold of something--his warm hand, his soft shirt, the remains of a reassuring smile--and grasping nothing but thin air. I blame myself partly for allowing myself to feel this way, but at the same time, when I remember back to the the days when that space inside my heart was filled with the arousing warmth of this pulse and his constantly beating heart, I cannot help but smile. It's not over. Just a pause. A painfully slow one.

Last night, I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my tired eyes. I just wanted to hear his voice and feel safe within his sound. It took a while but he got back to me and calmed my nervous heart again, after which I could finally put myself to sleep. I woke up with my eyes swollen but my mind rested, and the first person I thought about was him.

I don't like feeling so vulnerable. At the same time I cannot picture any other scenario. If only for him. As he said yesterday, there's no wall between us. Whenever I find myself retracting and building up a that invisible wall, I stop and remember the countless hours we spent together when he brought that childish joy to my jaded heart.

This is only the beginning. It's only going to get harder, I know. But despite the weary scars on my prudent disposition, I only see myself moving forward in this fight. To him who shows me the sun after the rain and keeps me wanting more...